Poke Me In The Eye

Moe’s Answer

When I first thought of this question my mind immediately went to supercars like the McLaren or the Enzo. But then I realized something, do I really have the skill to drive one of these cars on a racetrack? The answer is no. Sure I could drive it around the track and I would have a blast doing so I am sure but most likely I would spend a good amount of spinning and out in the grass.

I then moved down a notch. I gave the Viper some thought as it has always been a favorite of mine but it’s not the worlds best handler and once again I have a feeling I’d spend a lot of time in the dirt. I considered the Z06 as well but… meh.

I then started thinking about cars that handle really well and are quick, not super fast, but quick. Cars like the Lotus Exige. It was when I started thinking more along these lines that I came up with my answer. It’s actually a pretty obvious one if you know me well.

I would choose the Ariel Atom. But, I would not go for the supercharged version, I’d stick with NA. I’d want a car that I could drive hard and not be scared silly. I also love that the Atom is basically made for the track and is pretty much a street legal race car. If you watched the video of the Atom that I posted a few weeks ago when I chose the Atom as the COTW you will also have a better idea of why I would love to drive one (take note though, the one they tested is supercharged).

Crawford’s Answer

After about 30 minutes of thinking about the answer, mulling over a couple different cars, and struggling with which direction to go it suddenly dawned on me…and the choice was obvious. But first a couple words on my other choices…

A Lotus Exige S was very high on the list. From what I’ve read it’s got amazing handling and obviously accelerates like a bat out of hell. It’s a Lotus…it’s created to be on the racetrack. The Ariel Atom came to mind too…sure it’s little, doesn’t have a ton of power, and…well…has no body panels…but what a blast it would be. That lead me to think about real road/race cars…machines that are street legal (and I’m assuming we are talking street legal cars here) but are used in racing. The GT40 is high on that list…

But then it came to me like a bolt from heaven. There is a fairly famous video out there of an amazing car being thrown around a racetrack. The driver is a god and any car nut who’s seen the video dreams of driving a machine like this one on a track like…

OK, so here is the video.

And the car…

1987 Ruf CTR Yellowbird

3040 lbs, 3.6L turbo, 469 hp/408 lb-ft, 0-62 in 4.0 seconds

I don’t really need to say anymore. Watch the video. You will understand.

If you could be a college professor…what class would you teach?

Crawford’s Answer

Mary came up with this question and I think it’s a great one. It’s something I’ve never thought about before she mentioned it and I’ll be completely honest…I’m really struggling with an answer. Part of me wants to go with something deep and meaningful…but another part of me wants to go with something silly…or cool…or really creepy and strange.

Of course whatever it is I’m teaching I would have to have a PhD in so that makes the choice all the more critical. And the more I think about it the more I realize that I wouldn’t want to be some stogy old Philosophy professor that wears tweed jackets or a freakishly brilliant math professor that is mildly insane…or even a very wacky physics professor with wild hair who talks with his hands all the time.

So what would I choose?

A certain movie comes to mind. It’s about 3 professors who get kicked out of school. They’ve never had a real job before but their knowledge, their wit and yes…their wisdom…leads them on wonderful adventures that make them the talk of the town.

Of course I am talking about Dr. Peter Venkman, Dr. Raymond Stantz, and Dr. Egon Spengler…also known as The Ghostbusters.

But that doesn’t count in my mind. They taught but aren’t teachers. They bust ghosts and that’s a whole other story.

So…I must choose. And suddenly a light bulb goes off in my mind. There was another great professor. He had truly wonderful adventures. He was smart…brilliant perhaps. But he was also tough. He saw the world. His students loved him and deservedly so for he not only taught his subject…he LIVED his subject.

And that is why I would want to be a Professor of Archeology…

I would want to be…

Indiana Jones.

Moe’s Answer

I was an Art major in college. During that time period there was a stretch where I really considered getting my masters in Art and becoming a college professor.

In my experience, I had a much closer relationship with my Art professors than I did with most of my other professors. I had so many lecture hall classes that had well over a hundred students in them. I know that in those classes I never, not even once, spoke to my teacher one on one. I can’t imagine that being at all enjoyable, granted, these professors probably had grad students that they worked with on a much more intimate basis but still, I think that would totally suck.

I knew all my art professors very well, I had conversations with all of them on a one on one level on a weekly basis. I am sure I wasn’t special either, I’d be willing to bet that their relationship with their students was like this with 90% of the people in their classes.

On a different note, on a stereotypical basis, the kids who are majoring in art tend to be a little more unique and… how to put this… colorful. To me that would be great, teaching a bunch of kids who want to be business clones and little worker bees would drive me nuts. There were also very few frat boys (sorry Crawford) in the art department which was a plus in my book.

So my answer is an Art professor, since my emphasis was in Metals that would be what I would teach.

Technology is advancing rapidly. Cell phones are a relatively recent invention yet these days it’s hard to imagine life without them. And every year they get more complex with greater features. They can do half a billion things. But…what do you need that they don’t do, and what to they do that you don’t need?

The question for this week is: Describe your perfect personal portable electronic devices. There is some degree of “fantasy” leeway here but it can’t be a piece of paper that unfolds into a laptop PC. In other words the laws of physics still apply but there is no rule against predicting future technology. At the same time maybe it’s missing something simple and low-tech, like a bottle opener.

Remember, this is something you would be carrying in your pocket most of the time so weight and size is a consideration!

Crawford’s Answer

My dream portable device probably isn’t that far away. Well…the combination of bits and pieces might be but the core of the technology certainly can be imagined.

It would be a small device…hopefully not much larger than a deck of cards. Visually it would be simple as well. I’d prefer for it to be black with a small screen. It would have ports hidden behind a panel (USB in AND out, power, earphones and headset). It would open up with one side being a larger screen and the other a keypad (not qwerty keyboard!) with tiny joystick. When closed and the outside screen off I’d want it to be very unobtrusive, elegant, simple and most of all…clean.

The main functionality of the phone would be a connection device. Be it Bluetooth, Wi-fi or some other new and unknown connection method I’d want it to be able to connect to any network out there. If I’m in my car it should be able to play music through the car speakers (it has a large HD…maybe 30 gigs). If I have it at home it should be able to connect to my wireless internet and communicate with my computer(s). The USB in plug would allow me to hook up a keyboard for ease of typing. The USB out could connect me to a computer that isn’t on a wireless network.

Of course it would make phone calls…it is basically a phone after all. But it’s connection power would be the integral part. It could hold and transport files and allow me to view anything you put into it…be it a spreadsheet, word document, picture, video…anything.

No, it would not have a camera. I know that’s against the grain but I prefer a separate device for that. No it wouldn’t have a full keyboard…it’s huge level of connectivity to a variety of devices would negate the need for that. GPS…probably, but I’d want it to be fairly simple. But it would be able to connect to a full on GPS unit or provide GPS information to a computer/laptop/car.

But the one little thing I’d want the most…the one crucial bit of kit that would make it totally awesome for me would be…

A flashlight! A good, strong, LED, bright, powerful handy flashlight.

Moe’s Answer

Pretty much everything I’d want in a portable device already exists at some level, what I would want is to make it smaller, better, faster and have better battery life.

My device would be a phone, GPS, Pocket PC, camera, MP3 player and more.

I obviously wouldn’t want it to be large, my idea size would probably be something about the size of the current generation iPods or the size of my Treo, maybe a bit smaller. It would need to be decent size because I would want it to have a good sized screen for watching video, viewing images, doing any work that would need to be done on it. It would not have a full size keyboard on it, just your standard phone keypad. Instead of having a full QWERTY keyboard it would have one of the laser keyboards built into it so when you needed to sit down and enter some serious data, write an email, etc. you could do so comfortably. I would want the whole interface to be something revolutionary and awesome, like the new iPhone but even better.

It would have a camera, something decent, lets say at least 3 megapixels. I will always have a real camera but sometimes having a camera on your phone comes in really handy. Of course most cellphone cameras suck but with 3 megapixels onboard I’d be able to take pretty decent pics. As long as we are talking about recording things, I would also want it to be a halfway decent sound recorder. Nothing to fancy here but something halfway decent.

I have gotten into Geocaching so I would love to have a phone that is also a GPS. They are out there now but they are kinda crappy from what I have read. I would want to power of my Garmin GPS on my phone. I’d want the GPS to be able to navigate city streets, tell me what Chinese restaurant are in whatever area I am in, tell me where the nearest ATM or gas station is etc.

I’d want my device to also replace my ipod. So I would like at least a 60 gig hard drive on board, hell, since this is a fantasy device, lets make that 200 gigs. I have a ton of music so the more storage space the better. I would want the player quality to be at least equal to an iPod, better would be great.

I would want standard computer stuff to work on the device. I’d want to be able to check email, surf the web (at broadband speeds), manage my contacts, play some games, etc. Pretty much anything a Pocket PC or Palm Pilot can do, my device would do.

For battery power I would use something most people probably have never heard of. My phone would run on a tiny internal combustion engine that runs of butane. Yes, you read that right, check out this link for more details. Ever running low on power? Just squirt some butane in that puppy and you are good to go, no need to ever wait for your device to charge, no more having to deal with chargers, etc. It’s such a beautiful idea.

It would be able to play video and receive over the air television as well, which is why I would want a decent sized screen. Now I would never go home and watch video on it. But when I was commuting to the city everyday it would have been really nice to have been able to watch some TV show that I missed the night before, or to have been able to watch the news on my way home. It would also come in handy on planes. You get the idea.

Of course it would also be a phone. Not much to say here, it would have everything you’d expect in your phone as far as phone abilities go. Speaker phone, call waiting, caller ID, etc.

The phones primary connectivity would be Bluetooth but it would also have to have a USB port on it for those time when I am at computer that isn’t Bluetooth capable.

Pretty much, I would want my device to combine all those little devices that you can carry around in your pocket now into one mega device. The best part, my phone would only cost $99.99

I also agree with Crawford, a flashlight would be nice.

The scary thing is, I won’t be the least bit surprised if we have a device like this in five years. I will be downright shocked if we don’t have a device like this in ten years.

I recently went to a Giants game and before any of the players go up to bat they play their “theme song”. Each player had their own song and they were usually pretty kickass kind of songs. My question this week is, if you were a professional baseball player what would your theme song be?

Moe’s Answer

I had a hard time coming up with an answer, there are just so many choice. The song has gotta get you pumped, it’s gotta be rocking, and it just has to be bad ass. I considered Master of Puppets, which one of the giants uses and it just has a kickass beginning. I really considered Motley Crue’s Kickstart My Heart which is just about the definition of a getting pumped up song. I briefly considered AC/DC Thunderstruck.

I recently heard the song that I chose and it just brought back some great memories of 8th grade and it just has some serious bad ass lyrics. My choice is Guns N’ Roses, Nightrain. Check out these lyrics:

Well I’m a west coast struttin’
One bad mother
Got a rattlesnake suitcase
Under my arm
Said I’m a mean machine
Been drinkin’ gasoline
An honey you can make my motor hum
I got one chance left
In a nine live cat
I got a dog eat dog sly smile
I got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go
I smoke my cigarette with style

Juvenile? Yeah probably. Kickass? You betcha.

Crawford’s Answer

My theme song… My my, this is a tough one. Would I want to do something traditional? I think so because it would have to rock and something strange like Bubble Toes by Jack Johnson wouldn’t quite cut it and Aqualung by Jethro Tull would be…well…strange. It would have to not only rock but make sense too…which pretty much kills anything by R.E.M.

I’ve made my choice. It’s Master of Puppets by Metallica. It doesn’t fit me at all nor could ever fit the situation. But those two facts make it VERY fitting thank you very much.

We both grew up with the Transformers and loved the new movie. There has been such a variety of transforming robots over the years…not just your typical cars, trucks, planes, helicopters, military equipment…we’ve also seen dinosaurs, insects, guns, stereos and even cassette tapes.

So if you had to be a Transformer…either Autobot or Decepticon…what would you transform from? And none of this tiny handgun turning into a giant robot…the (somewhat) realistic laws of physics still apply. That means a tiny device would transform into a tiny robot. Everything and anything goes…but if you do choose an animal it would not look real…it would be a cyborg-mechanical looking beast.

Crawford’s Answer

Type: Mi-24 Hind (Russian attack helicopter)
Name: Iron Curtain

My original thought was a car or truck. I was torn between something like a Porsche 911 Turbo or some giant construction vehicle. I wanted something that could (at least in concept) be able to cruise into a “normal” environment with stealth…no one would question a vehicle driving into some place when WHAM it transforms into a giant ass-kicking robot.

But the more I thought about it the more I realized I wanted a military vehicle. I wanted something with brawn in it’s transformed state as well as its robot state. I also wanted something that would stand out (and totally reverse my original concept of something stealthy). So I chose the Mi-24 Hind. It’s a Russian attack helicopter from the Cold War era and looks absolutely menacing. I’ve never seen another helicopter that looks so destructive and powerful. It symbolized the power of the Russian army and the thought of thousands of those beasts flying over Germany starting of WWIII is a downright terrifying one. Plus…it’s a historic piece of Russian military hardware.

Of course I would be a Decepticon. There is no question about it…Russian military? Obviously! Iron Curtain wouldn’t be the fastest or the best strategist but what he lacks in those assets he more than makes up in durability and outright firepower. Always one to be at the forefront of a battle he never retreats. Unfortunately his pride has been known to get him into trouble at times.

Moe’s Answer

This is kind of a weird question and one that I had a hard time coming up with an answer for. My first thought was car, it would cool to be a badass sports car just to drive fast and whatnot. Being a car would also make you a pretty decent sized robot of destruction. But cars are kinda boring in this sense.

My next thought would be to be something small so that I could sneak into places and easily disguise myself. I was thinking something like a cell phone or an ipod or something along those lines. But I quickly got rid of this idea. I wouldn’t want to be something that can move around in it’s non robot form. Plus, I’d want to be a big robot of doom which makes little things a non-option.

I finally settled on a F-35B . I’d be able to fly, be stealthy, kick serious ass in either my normal form or robot form, hell, I’d have built in machine guns and rockets. I’d also be super fast, I’d be able to go over the speed of sound. And just to make myself even cooler the F-35B can hover, so it can take off and land vertically. Of course there still is the robot form. Being that I would be a fighter jet I would be fairly large which would make for an impressively sized robot. I would also have lots of weaponry since I already have a lot in my jet form.

If you could have one super power what would you want? Would you use it for good or evil? Would you keep your power a secret or make it public?

Moe’s Answer

I would want to be a very strong telepath. Strong enough so that with a concentrated burst I could throw a tank across a football field or stop a speeding bus or stop bullets. But I would want to have enough control over it so that if needed I could place a penny on it’s edge or pull a single hair from someones head. Having this kind of power would be absolutely amazing. You could fly in a sense, just lift yourself and move yourself around. You’d be able to absolutely blow peoples minds performing “magic tricks”. You could make a fortune in Vegas playing roulette or craps and you could pretty much just be a Jedi master.

I wouldn’t really use my power for good or evil. I would definitely use it for personal gain. Vegas would be one of the first places I’d hit and I’d make myself a nice pile of money. I may eventually become a magician and become the most amazing magician the world has ever known. If I could save some people along the way using my power I wouldn’t hesitate to do so but I wouldn’t go out looking to fight crime or anything.

I wouldn’t tell anyone about my power, or very, very few people. It would be my little secret.

Crawford’s Answer

The first quality I’d be looking for in a super power would be a power that isn’t obvious. Considering there is a distinct lack of super powered people on this planet I wouldn’t want to stand out. You’ve all seen the movies…the government would want to do experiments on you!

But in all seriousness (and to address another part of this question) I’d want it to be “hidden” so I wouldn’t be required to use it to save the world. That sounds like a rather wimpy response but the weight of responsibility would be tremendously hard to bear. Could you imagine it? Every time something bad happens on this planet people would…eventually…expect you to help solve/deal with it. That may be a bit of an exaggeration but it’s easy to see things going that way.

So that leaves me with thinking that my power would be something that would be purely for personal gain. If I can’t (or won’t) use it to save the world…then I ought to use it for something. And that something is going to be me! I believe I am a good enough person to use it for personal gain without harming others…so that takes theft off the list…and really narrows down the choices. So it would have to be something that would make life easier for me, my family, and my friends.

I thought about being able to fly. Yes that would be tremendously handy and a hell of a lot of fun…but it would be near impossible to do unnoticed. Anything offensive (like throwing fire/ice, etc) would be neat but again…not very useful if I’m not a crime fighter. Being able to stretch like Mr. Fantastic could be extremely useful but rather limited in its use. Invisibility sounds intriguing…imagine all you would be able to observe and learn about but there is the whole issue with being naked and/or not being able to carry things.

So my choice is to be really fucking fast. Like so fast that people can’t see me move. I could be sitting here at my desk and WHAM I’m out the door down the street around the corner heading downtown at 7-11 casually walking in. I’m talking about sudden bursts of insane (and sustained) speed. This would not only be un-observable (in my mind) but it would give me all kinds of opportunity in my life. I could cut down on travel time tremendously (if my clothes could handle the super speed without me arriving looking like a freak). There is potential for monetary reward as well here…sure you could steal things easily (and yeah…although I said wouldn’t but c’mon now…sigh).

So super speed is my choice…and the only question left is…how do I go about getting this?

You are Bill Gates rich. You can build any style of house out of any material anywhere you want. You want a flying stone castle hovering over the Swiss Alps? A steel tube at the bottom of the ocean? A boring single story house in the Bay Area? You name it and it is yours.

Remember…
1) Style (castle, fort, cave, condo, whatever)
2) Location (mountain peak, Canadian Rockies, floating in the middle of the ocean, etc)

Crawford’s Answer

I thought about this during my whole ride home from work today. Sure I may enjoy my house in Lafayette but in reality it’s pretty dull. It’s made of wood, it has no hidden passageways, it doesn’t have a basement or a second story. There is a nice yard and trees but my neighbors are dull and there are no cool wild animals cruising around (except friendly squirrels).

I could do SO much better.

So I came up with this question…with (yes this is cheating) a specific thought in mind. I want a really cool house. But it’s gotta be out of the ordinary…

So this is what I came up with…

Imagine, if you will, up in the Sierra’s. Not too far mind you…I still want people to be able to come and visit me when they want. But it’s far enough away from everyone else that I am able to be loud (like that will matter as you will soon find out).

You drive up the driveway and find a modest home. It’s rather mountain-cabin like…rough wood, lots of windows, tall peaked roof. The yards are nice…natural up front and very well landscaped in the back (pool, hot tub, bar…great for parties). You walk up to the front door and knock. Through a loudspeaker you hear “just a minute!” A minute passes…then another…2 more and suddenly it opens and there I am. But…what’s this? The house is EMPTY! OK…not 100% empty but pretty sparse. There is a kitchen, bathroom, living room…nice stereo, plenty of elbow room. Perhaps a pool table. OK, DEFINITELY a pool table, ping pong, some arcade games and comfy couches.

But where do I live? What is going on here?

This is no ordinary house. This is an UNDERGROUND house!

Imagine it. Think about it. Something simple, approachable, party-able on the “ground” floor. A place where people can hang out, have fun, make noise, run around…but the whole living space is all underground. It would be cool, quiet and totally out of the ordinary. I imagine 2-3 stories of living space underground with quick access to the outside world. It would have all the usual stuff…bedrooms, bathrooms, skylights (clever concealed mind you), home theater, dining room…you name it. Just hidden from the world and full of surprises.

So yeah…it was a slow commute home and I had nothing to think about. But it would be pretty awesome, wouldn’t it?

Moe’s Answer

I’d want my super house to be up in the Berkeley hills on around 1,000 acres. I’d want it up in the hills so looking over the city so I would have an awesome view. I would also like it to be up there because I would still be somewhat close to the city and it wouldn’t be a big hike to get anywhere.

I would want a really long driveway, which would be setup like a race track, a nice windy road, lots of runoff space to the sides in case I screw up, driving up to my house would be a blast. When you get to the house the driveway would end in a caldasac with a fountain in the middle. The garage would be huge and be under the house, spanning the size of the house for the most part with enough room for at least a twenty cars.

The house would have a modest amount of bedrooms, lets say five. Each bedroom would have it’s own full bathroom. All of the bedrooms would be on the second floor, the master bedroom would be on the third floor and would be massive. The master bedroom would have a deck off of it with a hot tub, telescope, mini bar and lots of comfy furniture.

My house would have to have a bar. The bar would be underground and behind the bar itself there would be a big window that looks into my swimming pool. The bar would have at least a dozen different beers on tap and of course be fully stocked with all the liquor you can imagine. In the bar there would be a couple pinball machines, a couple dart boards, a pool table, some slot machines and maybe even a mechanical bull.

On the main level would be my home theater room. I could go on and on about this room as it is something I have fantasized about for a very long time. I would have dual G90 Sony CRT projectors mounted behind the screen, all Wilson speakers with 7 channels. For the bass I would have an infinite baffle setup with, I don’t know, lets say twelve 18″ subs. The subs air space would be a specially designed concrete bunker under the home theater. As I said, I could go on and on so I will stop there. Oh wait, one more thing. The entryway going into my home theater would be guarded by two Stormtroopers.

Outside of the home theater would be a lobby. In the lobby I would have tons of movie memorabilia, another pool table, video games, pinball machines, and another projector and sounds system hooked up for all of the video game consoles known to man. Actually, there would be two projectors so you could have awesome two player battles.

There would of course be a kitchen and a dining room and all the other stuff a house needs. And there would be several secret rooms and secret passage ways hidden throughout the house.

For the overall look of the house I wouldn’t want it to look ultra modern or anything, I would just want it to look nice, nothing to extravagant.

I could keep on writing but I am sure you all get the idea and I am sick of typing.